There is a true story of what I emigrated to southern Florida a few years ago. The note is (almost) completely true. The name has been changed to guard the guilty.
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
From: angry arm rental house
Welcome to the suffering of the sea! We are very pleased that you have chosen to borrow from us. I love beautiful grounds, a well-equipped fitness center and sparkling pool. The residents are a friendly group and we know that we enjoy meeting at many social events. A brochure will be bundled expressing commitment to excellent service quality. I am praying for being happy here.
Before entering the country, the following amount is required for the certified funds. A few drops of the blood of the contract are not hurt.
Cathy Goodwin - Apt 501
Deposit $ 750
Non refundable pet fee 400 dollars
Pet deposit $ 400
Commission $ 75
For your convenience, here is the number of electric, telephone, newspaper and its important cable service. Please turn on the power before you arrive.
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: Agony Arms
Now you are going to move. All your utilities are connected. There are several documents to sign here. At 90 degrees, despite your cat being roasted by car, we must sign everything before we give you the key. We deny any liability that may arise in relation to Agony Arms, with or without concessions.
These documents are blank. After signing you fill in the amount and we will send you a copy so that you will know what you signed.
Here is your own personal card for PS gates gate. If you lose this card, you will be charged $ 50. Here is your own windscreen sticker of your own number. I recorded this number in your file. You will not lose it!
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
Last Friday night, I tried to enter the fitness center. It was locked. Many of the residents of Agony Arms can not access this advertised facility?
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: Agony Arms
surprise! Before you can use the fitness center, you will need to pay a $ 50 deposit to the key. Please bring money during working hours: 9-5 hours from Monday to Friday
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
My publisher said that he sent me a big package three weeks ago. Someone named Andrea Addled signed. Where is this package now? Why is not someone calling me?
And more importantly, what happened to the cookie my best friend sent me a month ago? They were supposed to be surprised.
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: Agony Arms
Do you remember all the papers you signed after entering? Well, we include, in some way, a disclaimer of responsibility from something related to the package, including our own gross negligence. Our lawyer, Big Tony, had a lot of fun with this.
The definition of our excellent service does not include notifying the residents when the package arrives. It is the responsibility of the UPS, FedEx, or the carrier selected by the sender. As postal operators no longer let us close to their package, you recommend advising people to send you packages to you only in the US post. The mail quarantine officer is far more tolerant than the UPS driver.
You may receive the package within business hours shortened from Monday to Friday 10-5 days.
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
My publisher is angry because the deadline was not in time. Instead of cookies, I have a crumb package and thank you for noticing from universal Florida ants. The nearest post office is five miles away.
And once again, I may walk around there and do some exercise. Fitness centers protected with those $ 50 keys are destroyed and the machine will not work. The downstairs speaker is broken. Instead of fixing them, I will play extra 2nd floor speakers. Music is so terrible that most people wear earphones and throw them away.
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: Agony Arms
Since I can not make a phone call each time the package arrives, I am worried that there are plenty of tenants. We started as some fourplexes and there was no reason to add hundreds of units and add staff.
However, if you do not want to receive the package, we will wait for your request. We ship every day, check your name and reply to accept what was addressed to you. In other words, we spend time and energy to deny the service, but we can not provide the service first.
Nobody complains about fitness center elsewhere. Choose the music that most people prefer. earphone? They are probably listening to the stereo version of the radio station we chose for the speakers.
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
Last night my tenant blew the stereo off, so the floor was shaking. He did not answer the door when I knocked. That's when I learned that the only security since 6 PM is Guard Shack and the lowest tenant police who could not hear me at the party.
Because of curiosity, why do not we give the windshield sticker unless anyone go around the premises?
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: Agony Arms
Several things are mysterious, not known.
To: All tenants
By: Agony Arms
To update the database, you need to know the parking sticker number, car license number, unit, lease due date, astrology signboard. We need a list of authorized visitors and visiting purpose (business, society, family). If you do not return this form within 5 days, even if the lease fee is paid in full, the property may not be accepted for the property.
Inhabitants of Agony Arms can not leave the town for more than three days. Because you always have to send a surprise notice to you. And I would like to track your visitors. Please think of us as your landlord, not your landlord.
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
When I submitted my paper I found some new brochures that announced non refundable "refurbishment fee" as part of the deposit. Is this something new? Or have you decoded the questionnaire printed in 6 point type with bright turquoise paper, have my eyes still recovered? I will get a well for clerk of your data entry.
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: Agony Arms
Did not you read the lobby sales brochure brochure? Part of the deposit can not actually be refunded. Certainly, when you saw the property or signed a lease contract I did not say anything. But this is of a kind that everyone is expected to understand.
To: All tenants
By: Agony Arms
Who changed our signboard from a rented house to a state prison? Please do not let us catch you.
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
I came home on Friday evening and found a note on my door that accused me of failing to pay the pet fee. I think it is like people's court, but we may end soon. Since I had to provide the certified funds before I moved in, I assume that your very aggressive "lease consultant" checked my check amount and style.
Even if I borrow this money, a handwritten memo requesting payment at 5 pm on Friday afternoon and providing a "professionalism" and "excellent service" that you continue to advertise is recorded on the door knob on Friday morning Do you truly believe that it was done?
Your notes say that if I do not pay, I will be deemed overdue and my credit will be destroyed forever. Do you normally not send invoice at first? Have five of the other tenants worked in the past?
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: manager, Agony Arms
Oh, silly me! Our bookkeeping officer was just taken away and made a small mistake. Can I overlook this small inconvenience?
The refurbishment fee includes small things to prepare the apartment for the next tenant: carpet shampoo, scrubbing etc.
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
Your gonghoe lease consultant told me that the pet deposit covers not only the shampoo but also the replacement of the entire carpet. In most cases, even one cat's hair is not suitable for the next tenant for the entire apartment.
Are you planning to shampoo the carpet before you throw it away?
Anyway, Leith says that I am leaving the apartment with me finding it. What does it make you do? There is no evidence that something was decorated in this apartment during the last decade.
Oh, a copy of the attached water bill came out right now. In my lease, I say nothing about paying water bills. If I was embedded in all the documents I signed under extortion, I found a line that allows you to add an invoice to you with a notice of 30 days ago. No advance notice, no check. The end of the discussion.
I seem to spend more time to protect myself against fake bills than doing anything else. Why do not you change the slogan to Agony Arms, the job creation community?
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: Agony Arms
As mentioned earlier, some things are mysterious and unknown.
To: Lease agent
By: manager, Agony Arms
Who puts this woman in the ark of ark? In addition to knowing that the Florida Attorney General is in existence, it is invited to choose a tenant who can spell "obsessive". How did you slip?
Destination: Kathy Goodwin
By: manager, Agony Arms
There are houses suitable for you in Broward County, other parts of Florida, or somewhere in Central America. I heard that Mongolia is also good. Pay a little attention to you, pack your cat, take your deposit and go. I will help you.
To: All tenants
By: Agony Arms
Here, we will no longer keep the luggage for more than one day. If your package is working on the coming day, you are lucky! Your package will be returned to the sender before you can say "Go home!"
According to the pattern of July, August, September, October, November, there are no plans for December. However, our monthly pest control visit will be on schedule. The exterminator is a nice person, and pest control can be regarded as a social event in South Florida.
As we approach Christmas, we appreciate each tenant. You are blessed, you are hoping that you have a long time. In fact, if you would like to recommend a new blessing signed to the lease, fill in your drawing for your prize the name of your name, that is, one month's free rent.
We are not hopeless. We hope you share the experiences of Agony Arms with as many people as possible!
Purpose: Arm of agony
By: Cathy Goodwin
I am out of here.
In order to deal with my stereo loving neighbor, I would like to express my deepest condolences not only for this extra set of earplugs but also for my exchange. I can share a lot of my experiences.
signed,
Kathy Goodwin
Your blessing of Apt.
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